


Spirit of Courage

by ScotlandEvander



Series: Various States [9]
Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, The Incredible Hulk (2008), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Broken Bones, Feels, Friendship, Gen, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2013-08-20
Packaged: 2017-12-24 04:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/935059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotlandEvander/pseuds/ScotlandEvander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce was looking forward to a quiet afternoon in the lab, but then the God of Mischief showed up and wanted to do some soul searching.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spirit of Courage

**Disclaimer: If you know it, I do not own it.**

* * *

_You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug / You can be the outcast or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love / Or you can start speaking up_   


_-Sara Bareilles, “Brave”_

* * *

Bruce watched the God of Mischief as he brooded in the lab, his legs spread and his elbows resting above his bent knees. Loki’s head was bowed forward and his large, long fingered hands were pressed palms together to the point his hands were white. The tension radiating off the man was stifling. 

“How do you do it? How do you live with the Hulk within?”

Bruce had no idea how to answer that question, having never been brave enough to face his problems head on. He simply dealt with it by shielding away from other people (and running away from those were after the Hulk to weaponize him), living in squalor and doing what he could to right the wrongs he’d done. He’d never spoken to anyone about any of it, never had the nerve to reach out and state: _I need help._

“I don’t,” Bruce quietly admitted. 

Loki slowly raised his head and nailed Bruce with those odd green eyes. Bruce had caught Steve on more than one occasion waxing on about those eyes under his breath when he thought he was alone and sketching up a storm. 

Bruce remembered what those eyes looked like the first time he met Loki in the slums of India, where the man stuck out like a sore thumb. Everything about Loki screamed WRONG WORLD and all Bruce had seen was his face. The pale skin, the careless way his dark hair fell across his forehead utterly perfectly, the cheekbones, his eyebrows— hell, even the shade of black Loki’s hair accented those other worldly eyes. 

And this creature was there for Bruce, there to bring him back to the world and into an organization Bruce had been running from. 

The only reason Bruce even went with Loki was because like Bruce, Loki had a monster living within him. 

Of course, it turned out to be a thousand times worst than the red eyed, blue skinned being that lurked under the alabaster skin— Loki had duel personalities. He had a twisted, deluded self that was violent, relished in chaos, and wanted to subjugate the population of Earth (or at least claimed to…Bruce was never sure if that side of Loki was aiming for world domination or was simply desperate for attention). 

How the man had not reverted to his crazy, bag of cats mind once the two different sides of him melded back together was a miracle. Bruce was honestly amazed after Loki and Thor had explained Loki had “put himself together” the demigod wasn’t deranged. Bruce saw him struggle during those days after the battle, but, at the end of the day, the Loki he’d first known was still the more dominate personality— the clever, playfully mischievous one who’d hide your left shoe. This was the Loki Thor swore up and down was the brother he dearly loved, the man Bruce had decide to trust to take him back into the world.

Bruce struggled being back in the modern world. It wasn’t easy living in Stark Tower and socializing regularly with a group of mismatched super heroes. It was hard to deal with Tony’s mood swings, hard to cope with the manic genius when he was hopped up on no sleep and had a head brimming with ideas. (And things just happened to Tony— like pissing off some guy thirteen years ago who decides NOW is the time to take his revenge.) It was trying to walk the streets of New York City when people got in his way, took what he was looking at, and tried to push him over the fragile line that he erected to keep the Other Guy in check. 

The Other Guy hadn’t appeared in over eight months, but Bruce could feel him, simmering in the back of his mind daily. 

As he thought this, Bruce realized the Other Guy was calmly hanging out for the first time in a long while— just like he’d done on the Hellicarrier when he and Loki worked side by side trying to find the Tesseract. When Loki was in the lab with him, the Other Guy was…cool. 

While Tony accepted the Other Guy and actually _liked_ him. Bruce didn’t blame him, as the Hulk had plucked Tony out of the sky after Tony thrown a bomb on the alien mother ship. This accomplished two things: prevented Tony from drowning and made the Hulk into a hero, as he’d saved Tony Stark. But, Tony was still, well, Tony. He was still manic, self-obsessed, and loud. And he still liked to POKE Bruce to see if he could get the Hulk to come out and play. 

The Other Guy _liked_ only two people in the whole world: Tony Stark and Loki Laufey-Odinson. The Other Guy clearly liked Loki more as he was chilling in the back of Bruce’s mind, not simmering on the surface as he so often did in Tony’s presence. (Maybe because he _wanted_ to come out and play like Tony wanted? Bruce didn’t know. He and the Hulk didn’t often talk.) 

“You do, Bruce,” Loki quietly insisted, looking back at the floor. He pressed his palms together harder, the lines of tension in his body growing. “I’m not sure this is working.”

“Talking to me?”

“No. Therapy. Being on Midgard,” Loki admitted.

Bruce frowned, rolling his chair out from behind his desk and putting himself right in front of Loki. “I thought you were happy. You seemed better…not that I saw a lot of you when you…well, uh, you know.”

“When I was deranged and thinking of ruling this world? I never wished to rule. No, I…” Loki trailed off, unable to put what he wanted into words.

And boy did he look frustrated. 

“I only aligned myself with Thanos and his minions in order to get out of there,” Loki admitted. “Ruling Midgard…no, I never wished for that to come to fruition. I chose Midgard in order to draw Thor’s attention. He so loves this realm.”

Loki looked bitter, shaking his head, his dark hair falling into his face and hiding him from Bruce. 

“And yet, once I was here…the thrall took over and I knew I had to…and I was two people,” Loki went on, shaking his hair out of his face. “That is the problem. There are two separate people within. There is the one who knows what I feel is unfounded. Why hold anger at Odin? Why hold such malice towards Thor? It was much my own fault as theirs. I did not have to make the choices I did. But, I made those choices. I cannot change the past. I should let it go. I need to.”

Loki wove his fingers together, crushing them together so hard Bruce could hear bones cracking. 

“And yet, I am still quite enraged at them both. Quite…vexed and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. I have everything I could desire,” Loki whispered angrily. “I have Steven, I have friends, people who accept me for who I am, and I know my adoptive family loves me.”

Bruce watched the being across from him fall into disarray. It happened quickly and chaotically. One minute, Loki was rational. The next, he looked at Bruce with those strange green eyes and the crazy was clear— just as it’d been obvious to Bruce in Reindeer Games. Bruce’s eyes widened as he and Loki stared at one another. He was almost afraid to breathe in for fear of smelling the crazy. 

The Other Guy growled in the back of his head, no longer at ease. 

“So, I ask, how do you do it? The bea— the Other Guy. He is anger and rage. How do you live so calmly and peacefully?”

Bruce swallowed and tried to keep eye contact with Loki. However, it was too much, so he broke and stared off to the right. The Other Guy was restless now that the Loki he’s smashed into the ground was sitting across from them. 

“We exist together,” Bruce quietly admitted. “He is there under the surface and everyday is a struggle to not allow him to take over. I’m always angry…I’m always…”

Bruce turned back to face Loki and found Loki’s whole face had fallen, the anger seeping out. Loki looked as if Bruce had just told him his dog was dead. 

“You deal,” Loki whispered, hands finally unlocking to fall limply to his side. “You…”

“I ran away, Loki. I hid myself away till you dragged me back here.”

Loki looked as if he was about to cry. 

“And I’m glad you did,” Bruce said in a rush. “I’d become very isolated and had no one. While that kept the Other Guy in check, I…it wasn’t the life I’d imagined. I know I can never have that life, but I can still…make a difference like I first wanted. Thanks to you, I can do research and I can do what I love. I don’t have to hide away afraid for my life or fear those who’d use the Hulkl for their own gain.”

“No one could use the Hulk against his will,” Loki reminded Bruce. 

“No, but…I don’t have to hide.”

“No, no you do not,” Loki quietly agreed, sitting up straight and reverting to the royal posture he carried himself usually. He raked a hand through his hair before he winced and stared at his hand.

“Did you break your fingers?”

“I believe I did,” Loki said, sounding amazed. 

Bruce grimaced, but stood and got the first aid kit he kept on hand. (Tony was a walking disaster. It was honestly amazing the guy was still alive and in (mostly) one piece.) 

“I keep forgetting my magic is bound,” Loki went on, still sounding astonished. 

Bruce turned back around to find the God of Mischief still studying his broken fingers with a look of grotesque fascination. 

“The are not healing,” Loki whispered. “It hurts.”

Loki made a strange face, then looked up at Bruce. 

“You’re no stranger to pain, Loki. You’ve broken bones and had your skin all burned off since I met you. Hell, the Other Guy pounded you into the ground. That must have broken some bones.”

“My magic instantly begins the healing process,” Loki whispered, looking back at his hands. “This…this is different. There’s no magic flowing through me…so they are simply…broken.”

Bruce wanted to ask Loki follow up questions to this insight into how his magic worked, but didn’t. Instead, he sat down and scooted closer. Gently, Bruce reached for Loki’s hand. He was familiar with setting bones and let his training in first aid take over. While he’d never trained as a medical doctor, he’d learned quite a bit in the field during his years fleeing his own demons. He numbed Loki’s hands with some Novocain, then set the bones he knew were broken (just from looking, he could tell which ones Loki had broken by how crooked his usually straight fingers were). 

“You ought to get those ex-rayed,” Bruce quietly said when he was done. “Though, I think I got them all just by sight and feel.” 

“Thank you,” Loki said so quietly Bruce was unsure he’d heard it till he looked up and met the god’s eyes.

“You’re welcome. Just be mindful that you’ve still got your non-mortal strength,” Bruce commented, wrapping the last finger in a spilt. “Do you heal like, uh, Thor?”

“I…I…I do not know,” Loki admitted. “I’ve not been hurt whilst…”

He made a motion to himself, which looked comical with his splinted fingers. 

Bruce nodded. “Well, then, it might be a few days. Or hours till you can take those off.”

“They no longer hurt.”

“I drugged you against pain. I don’t know how long it’ll last because, well, you’re, uh…”

“Not human. I know.”

Bruce swallowed thickly. “I just…well, pain meds don’t do much for me because of the Other Guy, nor do they do much for Steve because of the serum. Steve also heals fast, as do I.”

“We will see,” Loki replied. “If I was truly Asgardian, I wouldn’t worry. As it is, I am not aware of the healing rates of Frost Giants.” 

“Do they have magic?”

“I do not know,” Loki admitted. “I don’t believe they do, as if they did why would they be living as they are?”

Bruce wasn’t aware how Frost Giants lived on Frost Giant World, so he did not respond other than to stare at Loki, hoping he’d explain but knowing full well he’d have to drag anything about Frost Giant World out of Loki with tweezers. 

“You have to reconcile the darkness,” Bruce said. Loki snapped his attention to Bruce, who shifted uneasily under the unearthly green gaze. “I never really got the hang of it. I fear the Other Guy, which makes me angry. We don’t get along. I can feel him lurking, but since…”

Loki sat up straight (well, straighter). “You found people who accept you for who you are: the Other Guy and all.”

Bruce nodded. 

“It’s still hard, but…” 

Bruce chuckled uncomfortably, removing his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. 

“I should be seeing a shrink,” Bruce muttered. “Then again, I think we all need one.”

Bruce removed his hand when he heard the flick of cardboard near his face. He focused on the white rectangle. It was a business card. He looked questioningly at Loki, partly why the card was in his face, partly because how the hell did he get that out of his pocket with broken fingers.

“I thought you said it didn’t help,” Bruce commented, seeing a name of a doctor on the card Loki was holding between two splinted fingers. 

“I thought it was doing nothing,” Loki replied. “I thought I was making no progress.”

“You are?”

“I feel, Bruce,” Loki replied, using his free hand to thump his chest. “I feel…things so intensely it makes me…a little mad. I have always been intense, even as a child. When I learned one was not supposed to…I was not Thor.”

Bruce had a feeling the excuse _I was not Thor_ was used quite often in Loki’s mind for reasons why he wound up as he was. 

“Thor was all good, light hearted feelings as a child. He had a temper, but it was short lived. I tempered him with being cool, collected and calm. He shined in his light, while I hid my darkness. But, it was always there. When I became two separate beings, the calm one fell to Other Earth and everything else that had recently broken to the surface that I’d hidden for too long went elsewhere.”

Bruce nodded, taking the extended business card. 

“After I put myself together, I ceased feeling anything. I was apathetic till I was snapped out of it when I realized Jessica and Steven were in danger,” Loki said, looking away. “Since then…it’s been an ongoing battle between the two. I can usually hide…”

“You hide the crazy from everyone,” Bruce realized. He felt something tighten in his chest. 

Bruce had assumed if Loki was going to go to someone and bear his soul, his heart, and troubles it would have been Jess or Steve. Or even Clint. Out of all of them, those three were the people Loki gravitated towards. Bruce, at some point, had lost whatever he’d started out with when he’d first met Loki. Jess would always come first as she’d been the first person (other than Thor) to take Loki at face value (not that Loki admitted Thor took him at face value). Bruce didn’t comprehend Clint at all, but Steve was easy to understand. Anyone could see the two were bonkers for one another. 

Bruce told himself he wasn’t hurt, told himself he didn’t mind, and that Tony was by far all the friend he needed. 

He was wrong. 

While Tony was great, Loki was the perfect mixture of brains, arrogance, mischief, and seriousness that Bruce could ask for in a friend. (There was the bonus the Other Guy seemed to like Loki above all others as well.) Loki was clever and able to talk science on a level that most people (even people in his own field) were unable to do. (Hence why Tony also liked Loki. The pair could talk circles around each other for hours.) (Sometimes Bruce didn’t think they were actually speaking about science or even in English.) 

“I must hide the madness. It’s tiring,” Loki confessed. “I learned to control the tick I get when I speak of….my family. I force myself to call Odin ‘father.’ I try not to wince and strike out against Thor, and yet I still want to wring his neck. I’ve spoken of these things in my sessions with the doctor, but…”

“You want it to go away,” Bruce muttered. “And it’s not going anywhere.”

“I must live with it, learn to cope and temper it,” Loki sighed, rolling his head on his neck. “So, I asked how you did it as you’re living with a being within you that can take physical appearance. There is literally another being within you. You are two separate people.”

Bruce stared at Loki, his mouth opening a little. 

“I wanted to know how you dealt with it,” Loki said, looking sadly at Bruce. “I’ve…even before I was really aware of my own situation, I identified with you.” 

Bruce felt shocked and blinked dumbly at the god— a freaking real Norse God who’d had  access to magic, who had lived for thousands of years identified with him, Bruce Banner. 

“I saw…myself,” Loki admitted. “You turn green, I turn blue.”

“You stay who you are when blue,” Bruce pointed out. “I get lost.”

“I know. It’s not…perfect, but…now…it’s more than letting the Jotun side out. I can turn blue all I want and still remain how I am at the moment. And yet, while I sit here with pale skin, dark hair and green eyes, there is another being itching to get out and put you in your place.”

Loki’s jaw clenched and he balled his fists. His eyes were still down cast, but Bruce had a feeling Crazy Loki was dancing again.  

“I’m so tired,” Loki sighed, loosing his rigid posture and collapsing backwards in the chair. “The only time my mind isn’t whirling…the only time I’m at peace is when I’m at home.” 

Bruce didn’t need Loki to clarify what “home” was to Loki. It wasn’t Asgard, it wasn’t the apartment he’d recently moved into. It wasn’t even Steve’s apartment. Loki’s home was wherever the hell Steve was. 

“Then you should be home as often as you can, since you’ve got one,” Bruce said quietly. Loki cocked his head to the side. “I’m not suggesting you glue yourself to Steve, but spend as much time as you can with him if he calms the crazy. And…well, uh, give yourself time. You’ve only been here for three weeks, right?”

“Five,” Loki corrected. “I know you are right, but…”

“You’re not patient?”

Loki shook his head, staring at his hands. “I usually am, but…I want to be better and I want to rest.”

“Maybe you need to let the crazy out?”

“I did that once, Bruce,” Loki quietly said, a dangerous edge creeping into his voice. “And look where it got me? I let it over take me in my…in the upheaval of learning what I truly am, I allowed the…crazy out. I was consumed.”

Bruce frowned. 

“Punch something.”

“Pardon?” Loki asked, looking at Bruce as if he were speaking Greek (or something Loki didn’t comprehend. Loki like spoke Greek). 

Bruce stood up. “Yeah. Punch something.”

“Bruce, that sounds like Thor’s answer to a problem,” Loki drawled sardonically. “And how will I punch with broken fingers?”

“Kick something,” Bruce suggested. “Come on.” 

* * *

_And I could hear the thunder and see the lighting crack / All around the world was waking, I never could go back_   


_-Florence & the Machine, “Blinding” _

* * *

Three hours later, Loki had managed to destroy more punching bags than Steve could decimate when he was in a mood. Bruce stood staring at the mess Loki had made and glanced at the taller man before clearing his throat.

“Better?”

“I am tired,” Loki admitted, staring at his fingers and wincing as he tried to flex them within the braces on his fingers holding his broken bones straight. “But, more so physically than mentally. And I do…I don’t feel the need to wring anyone’s neck. And…”

“You don’t smell crazy,” popped out of Bruce’s mouth before he could stop it. 

He looked horrified as Loki smirked at him. “Thank you, Bruce. I’m glad I no longer reek of madness.” 

Bruce shifted on his feet, watching as the man crossed the room and sunk down on a bench along the mirrored wall. He picked up a bottle of water and downed the entire thing. Once again, Bruce was amazed he was still using his hands when his fingers were broken and likely hurt.

“You shouldn’t be using those hands,” Bruce quietly reminded Loki.

“I forget.”

“What are you going to tell Steve?” Bruce asked.

“The truth,” Loki replied. “Your people might believe me to be the god of lies, but I find the truth usually works better than a fib.” 

Bruce quirked an eyebrow. “Oh? Then how did you get the nickname Silver Tongue?”

Loki smirked, standing up smoothly. “I spin words well. I do not lie, simply weave words.” 

Bruce snorted. “Uh huh.” 

“See. No one believes me when I speak the truth,” Loki sighed dramatically. “I, however, must be going. I’ve lingered longer than I’d planned. However, we must do this again.”

“What? Me watching you kick punching bags for three hours?” Bruce dryly inquired. 

Loki gave him a look. “No, Bruce. What do you Midgardians call it? Hang out?”

“Don’t say that. It’s wrong,” Bruce insisted. “You want to hang out? With me?”

“Yes. While I did come to you because I wanted your views, I believe what you were working on when I interrupted you is worthy of my attention.”

“How do…never mind,” Bruce said, not wanting to know how Loki figured it out. Even without magic, the guy was better at spying then maybe Natasha and could hack circles around Tony if he was so inclined.

“Fine. We’ll…hang out. Only we’ll find a new word for it.”

“Excellent,” Loki said, smiling for the first time that afternoon. 

Bruce stared. While Bruce was comfortable admitting Loki wasn’t exactly ugly, he’d never had the demigod actually smile at him (that he’d seen). Bruce has witnessed him smile at Steve quite a few times. He’d seen a real smile grace the face once or twice at something Clint had said, but Bruce himself had never been rewarded with a full force smile from Loki. 

No wonder Steve turned into a red, fumbling mess all the time. 

“I’ll call next time,” Loki said, turning away and not commented on Bruce’s silence. “And you might want to look at the results of your last experiment. I think the numbers are a little off and that was your problem.”

Loki smirked, waved, and vanished out of the gym, leaving Bruce standing there dumbstruck. 

That was how Tony found him a half hour later, standing in a gym filled with broken punching bags.

“What are you doing, Jolly?” Tony asked before he’d taken in the state of his gym. Upon seeing it, he asked, “What the hell did you do to my gym? Did you let the Big Guy out without me?”

Tony took a few more steps into the room, looking utterly baffled. 

“Loki,” was all Bruce said. “It was Loki.”

“Loki did this?”

“Yeah, with his foot.”

“He stepped on my stuff!” Tony raged. “He ruin my stuff by stepping on it! What the heck?! And how the hell did he ruin the bags? I thought his magic was turned off! I made those to withstand Steve!”

“Uh, Loki’s still rather strong without his magic,” Bruce said, tearing his eyes off the ruined punching bags to meet Tony’s gaze. “And did you test them on Thor?”

“But, he’s not Thor!”

“I know, but…well, he’s still not of this world. So, he’s likely a little stronger than Steve, if I had to guess.”

Tony stared at Bruce for a moment before he decided that made sense. He gazed around the room again, then childishly stomped his foot.

“Why is it always my stuff?”

* * *

_Don’t run, stop holding your tongue / Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live / Maybe one of these days you can let the light in_   


_-Sara Bareilles, “Brave”_


End file.
